The Technicalities of Writing Thoughts

On a few occasions, I've been asked how to actually write thoughts on the page in a story. If you are newer to writing, this can be confusing for several reasons (and you'll see why by the end of this article). 

Just to clarify, this post isn't about what makes one passage of introspection better than another, or how to keep a moment of introspection interesting. If you want to learn about that, check out my articles "How to Write Excellent Introspection" and "Breaking Writing Rules Right: 'Never Open with Introspection.'" No, this post is about actually writing character thoughts on the page. Even if you already know how to do that, this topic may be worth a review. And who knows, I might cover some points you didn't know, you didn't know. 

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How to Punctuate Dialogue

I usually don't do posts on punctuation, because I figure it's something that anyone can simply look up, but lately I've been running into quite a bit of dialogue that has been punctuated improperly, which is really no surprise, because when you are learning to write dialogue, punctuating is super confusing.

Let's start with the most basic and then move on to the most complicated.

Dialogue is usually made of two parts: the dialogue, and the dialogue tag.

"I'm hungry," (<-- dialogue) Micki said. (<-- dialogue tag)

The dialogue tag tells us who said it and (sometimes) how.

Sometimes dialogue will have no tags because who is saying it is implied. This is the easiest type to punctuate.

Dialogue with No Tags

- Simply put whatever is said in quotations.

Examples:

"Please pass the water."
"Go to your room!"
"Are you staying for dinner?"
"First I want to go biking. After that, let's go fishing. If we have time still, let's go hiking."

*Note: Inside the quotations, always treat capitalization like you would normally.


Dialogue with Tags Coming After a Complete Sentence (Or Intentional Fragment)

When dialogue would ordinarily end in a period:

This is the next simplest.

- If you end the dialogue with a complete sentence that would ordinarily end in a period, put a comma instead, then the dialogue tag, then the period.

Examples:

"I'm setting up an aquarium," Jen said.
"Can you pick up some eggs? I have to bake cookies for the fundraiser," Pat said.
"Shut up! I can't listen to you for another second," Steve yelled.

*Note: If you are ending the dialogue on an intentional sentence fragment, you would do the same thing.

"There were bears. Huge bears," Tanner explained.
"No one can stand her. Ugly. Mean. A monster," he said.
"Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica," he said.

*Note: If you are not ending on a proper name, lower case who is saying it (he said, she said, they said, the man said, etc.) 


When the dialogue ends in a question mark:

- Put the question mark inside the quotation, then the dialogue tag.

Examples:

"Did he love you?" her father asked.
"Would Wednesday work for the meeting?" she asked.
"It's my sister's birthday this Saturday. Do you want to come to the party?" Emma said.


When the dialogue ends in an exclamation point: 

- Put the exclamation point inside the quotation, then the dialogue tag.

Examples:

"I hate you!" Carry said.
"Shut up! Shut up!" Sean yelled.
"Someone's hurt. Hurry!" she said.


Dialogue with Tags Coming First

This is done more rarely, but here is how you would punctuate it.

- Use a comma between the tag and the dialogue. End the dialogue punctuating how you would normally.

Examples:

Timmy asked, "Will it hurt?"
Mom said, "I've already cleaned the entire house."
Dad said, "Don't back talk me!"
She said, "I don't have a lot of time. Could we reschedule?"


*Note the slight difference in "sound" and beat when the dialogue tag comes first.

*Note that since the dialogue tag starts the sentence, the first letter will always be capitalized  (She said, He said, Her mom said, Timmy said, The man said).


Dialogue with Tags in the Middle

With tags after a complete sentence or intentional sentence fragment

- Punctuate it according to the second section, then start the next line of dialogue, punctuating it like the first section.

Examples:

"I'm so cold," Rupert complained. "I can't wait for summer."
"What's your favorite color?" her sister asked. "I like blue."
"I love him!" she said. "You can't change my mind!"
"Bears. Beets," Jim said. "Battlestar Galactica."


With tags technically coming before the next sentence

- Alternatively, the middle tag can be attached to the next sentence.

Examples:

"I'm so cold." Rupert said, "I can't wait for summer."
"What's your favorite color?" Her sister said, "I like blue."
"I love him!" She said, "You can't change my mind!"

*Again, note there is technically a slight variation in sound and beat:

"I'm so cold." / Rupert said, "I can't wait for summer."
vs.
"I'm so cold," Rupert said. / "I can't wait for summer."


*Watch out for attaching the tag to the wrong sentence.

Wrong: "What's your favorite color?" Her sister asked, "I like blue."

"I like blue" can't be "asked." It's not a question.

Correct:  "What's your favorite color?" Her sister said, "I like blue."

(This is why I changed it in the example.)


With tags interrupting a sentence

Maybe you want the tag coming in the middle of a dialogue sentence.

- Use commas to separate the tag from the spoken dialogue.

Examples:

"All I was wondering," she said, "was if you were going to the party."
"He always lies, cheats," Tiff said, "and steals!"
"After practice," her dad said, "let's get ice cream."

*Notice that having the tag split a sentence alters the beat with an extra pause. This can sometimes be used to convey hesitancy (perhaps in the first example) or emphasis (in the second example).

Keep in mind that all the lines of dialogue here are complete sentences:

"All I was wondering was if you were going to the party."
"He always lies, cheats, and steals."
"After practice, let's get ice cream."

So you should not tag them as if they are complete sentences.

Wrong:
"All I was wondering," she said. "Was if you were going to the party."
"He always lies, cheats." Tiff said, "And steals!"
"After practice," her dad said. "Let's get ice cream."

Always look at the sentence(s) in the dialogue and where you are placing the tag to determine how to punctuate them.


Dialogue with Action Implying the Speaker

You can often imply the speaker with action. Keep in mind that this is implying NOT tagging.

- The action and the dialogue are two separate things, so they should be punctuated as two separate things. Punctuate the dialogue as if there is no tag. Write the character's action as you normally would.

Examples:

"Do you need help?" David smiled. [dialogue. action.]
"Hurry!" Nick opened the car door. [dialogue. action.]
She closed the envelope. "It's the only letter he wrote me." [action. dialogue.]
"I'm exhausted." She put on her pajamas. "I want to sleep a full week." [dialogue. action. dialogue.]


WRONG:
"Do you need help?" he smiled.
"Hurry up," Nick opened the door.
She closed the envelope, "It's the only letter he wrote me."
"I'm exhausted," she put on her pajamas, "I want to sleep a full week."

These aren't tags because they do not "speak." You cannot "smile" a spoken sentence. You can smile while speaking a sentence, but you cannot smile a spoken sentence.


Attaching the action to a tag

Alternatively, you can attach the action to a tag, using both a tag and an action.

Examples:

"Do you need help?" David asked, smiling. [dialogue, tag with action]
"Hurry!" Nick yelled and opened the door. [dialogue, tag with action]
She said while very slowly closing the envelope, "It's the only letter he wrote me." [tag with action, dialogue]
"I'm exhausted," she said and put on her pajamas. "I want to sleep a full week." [dialogue, tag with action. dialogue.]

For more advanced tips on this, you can see my post "5 Most Common Mistakes with Dialogue."


Action Interrupting a Dialogue Sentence

Sometimes you may want action to come in the middle of a dialogue sentence. But here's the problem. It's not a dialogue tag.

- Use em dashes to set off the action outside of the quotes. Don't use commas within the quotes near the interruption.

Examples:

"You said"--she wrenched open the car door--"that she would be safe!"
"Next time you go blabbing about our secrets"--he kicked a rock--"you'll be put in isolation."


Dialogue and Paragraphs

- Every time there is a new speaker, start a new paragraph.

Example:

"You said they would be safe," Lance said. "You said you could defend them!"
"I thought I could! But I didn't know they could wield magic," Ellie said.
"They were our last hope."
"At least I tried to help. Some people around here have done nothing," she said pointedly.
Lance glared.

- If one speaker is speaking for multiple paragraphs, delete the closing quote of their previous paragraph and start the next with another quotation mark. It feels counterintuitive, but that's the rule.

Example:

"You said they would be safe," Lance said. "You said you could defend them!"
"I thought I could! But I didn't know they could wield magic," Ellie said.
"They were our last hope."
"At least I tried to help. Some people around here have done nothing," she said pointedly.
Lance glared."Nothing?" he asked. "You think I've done nothing? I guess I haven't then.
"I guess getting intel from the enemies was nothing.
"I guess locating the chosen ones was nothing.
"I guess sacrificing time that could be spent with my own children is nothing.
"You had one job to do.
"But maybe to you, it was nothing."
Ellie was speechless. 

Typically writers reserve this sort of thing for long paragraphs but my example still proves the point.


Internal Dialogue/Thoughts

At some point you'll probably have internal dialogue (or maybe better put . . . monologue), or in other words, your character's direct thoughts.

- Never put these in quotes. Not double quotes. Not single quotes. Since they aren't being spoken, they should be in italics (in some styles, this is underlined, but you can almost never go wrong with italics). However, handle tags the same way you would in spoken dialogue.

Examples:

I can't believe she did that to me, George thought.
I can't do this anymore! Monica thought.
Please, please let this work, Jasper silently prayed. I can't mess this up again.
If I see him at school tomorrow, she thought, then I will confront him.

In some speculative fiction, you may have characters who can communicate via thoughts. These should also be in italics, not quotes.

Example:

There is danger out there, Saphira thought to him.
Don't worry. I'll be careful. Eragon strapped on his boots.

If you have any dialogue questions, feel free to ask.

* This is based on U.S. English

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How to Write Excellent Introspection

Nothing can quite kill a story's pacing like a big hunk of introspection, except, of course, its cousin, the info-dump. The reason for this is that the more time we spend reading a character's thoughts, the less immediacy the story has, which means the less the audience cares about it. Often beginning writers put in whole paragraphs or even pages of introspection in addition to info-dumps--killing the pacing and readers' interests even more. Some writing instructors will tell you that you shouldn't spend more than 20% of the novel in a character's thoughts. But yet in some successful stories, this rule is completely disregarded.

I admit I can be a sucker for a good chunk of introspection. I just love character depth. So how do you master introspection so that it makes your writing stronger, not weaker? Well, here are some tips.

Less is More

Because beginning writers usually also love character depth and are trying hard to get the audience to feel close with their characters, they will often write huge chunks of introspection, especially in the opening. It's a great way to annoy or bore your audience. What usually happens, is that the writer--because she or he is the writer--already feels a strong connection to her characters, and in an effort to get the audience to feel and see what she does with her characters, she thinks that writing more is the answer.

In reality, writing less is more. If you truly want your audience to love your character as much as you do, you need to let them discover the character for themselves--you don't need to spoon-feed them with chunks of introspection. You need to let them come to their own conclusions about your character.

Have you ever sat next to someone at a social gathering, maybe a wedding, who will not stop talking about himself, even when you've said multiple times you are trying to leave? That happened to me a few months ago. I literally said I needed to leave, but he just kept going on and on.

You think I'm looking forward to talking to that person ever again?

No way! I'm going to try to avoid him.

To get your audience interested in your character's interior, you need to show them just enough. Keep it short enough to stay interesting, but long enough to cover the character's point. A glimpse of an interesting interior will make us want to come back, without slowing the pacing in your story so much we want to get away.

You can sneak in bigger chunks after we already know and care about the person. But almost never put big chunks in the story's opening. (Rare types of stories can break this rule though.)

Look Forward, not Back

A mistake that is easy to make is to only include introspection that looks back at something--something that happened earlier in the story, or, that really naughty thing, a flashback, and have the character relive it in his or her thoughts.

It can be very important to have a character think back on something. But since introspection naturally takes away immediacy, it's often better to have your character think forward on something. What could happen. (Yes, you've heard me talk about this before.) The past can't change (unless you shift context). But the future is something we can only guess at. And having your character think forward on something can create anticipation, tension, hooks, fear, dread, or hope, and then makes the audience want to read more to see what happens.

It's not necessarily bad to look back, but it's problematic if you only or almost only ever look back, and not forward. Ideally, if your character is going to look backward, see if you can connect it to something that is forward--how a past experience is going to effect an upcoming one, how a past experience makes the character fearful or hopeful of a future one.

Make it Intriguing

A chunk of introspection can hold the audience's attention if it's intriguing in some way. This means that the character's thought can't simply be a recap of something the audience already knows or read. Introspection needs to have a reason to be in the story, which usually means it needs to bring something new to the table.

While it's common for introspection to take away from tension, because it takes away immediacy, when used well, it can actually add tension, through your character's interpretation, perspective, and predictions. If your character is dreading something that could happen, and how it will completely unravel her world if it does--that can kick up tension.

At the beginning I talked about how introspection can come from the writer trying to create character depth. Character depth can be intriguing--but only if it's something new or unusual. Rehashing what a character thinks for a full paragraph is boring if we already know what the character is naturally thinking. Rehashing isn't depth. It's repetition. To achieve more depth, you need to peel back your character's layers to reach something deeper--an inner motive, thought, or feeling. And it should be interesting. If your character appears happy that her best friend threw a birthday party for her, but when we go into her mind, she's fuming--that's interesting. To add depth, we want to peel to answer why she's fuming and then why she's pretending to happy even though she is fuming.

Introspection can be very intriguing when it asks thematic questions. Remember the key here is the questioning. If your character is musing about the theme's final answers without having considered the questions, it's more likely to be boring. But if they are legitimately questioning something moral, ethical, thematic, or intellectual, that can stir the reader's own mind, which makes it interesting.

Introspection can be intriguing when the character brings a new interpretation, or new context, to the story. For example, having the protagonist think back to some small talk he had with an unassuming taxi driver can be really boring. But reading about Sherlock's interpretations of that exchange can be mega interesting. Why? Because he brings so much new context to the table. His introspection appeals to our intellect.

If you need to have your character think back for a bit, one way to keep it interesting is to have them change the context and interpretation of what they are thinking back on. That gives us an interesting way to interpret the past event and it gives us more character.

Entertaining

You can get away with a bit of introspection if it's entertaining. If your character has an interesting voice or worldview, audiences won't have a problem sitting through her introspection. Lemony Snicket is a great example of this. He can write a whole paragraph about his thoughts on driver licenses, and it's so entertaining that we love it. We like to hear the way he thinks and his voice.

In closing, when working with passages of introspection, make sure it adds value to the story, instead of taking value away. If you would like to learn a lot more about introspection, including how to successfully write a long passage of it, you may want to check out my other articles on the topic: The "Bathtub Story": Why It's a Problem, How to Fix It, When to Use It & Breaking Writing Rules Right: "Never Open with Introspection."

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